Traffic Alert - You're Driving Me Crazy!

It's time to get back into my New Jersey Turnpike psychoanalysis theory which suggests I can lay out someone's  personality based solely on their driving habits. By the way, I use the Turnpike moniker simply because it's where I've spent a number of years developing my theory. Actually, if I spent the equivalent of 10 years on the Turnpike then I've biologically aged 20 years during those 10.  Trust me, it's a key mathematical component of the theory. Just like Einstein's e=mc2, except Albert let the cat out of the bag and lost all the royalty rights.  I'm hangin' on to this baby.  Let's just say it incorporates many more factors, such as:  the number of miles in your commute, anticipated levels of precipitation, a driver's height, weight and ethnicity, daily disposition of the toll collectors and so on....trust me it's very complicated.

When Are We Going To Honor Charlie Sheen?

With this post I will begin from the end. The end of my last post that is.  Not the 'end' part where I talk about my proctologist, but the part when I promised I would list some of the notables who've received honorary degrees over the years.  Charlie Sheen isn't one of them but I would think he's next in line if past history is any indication. I'm not trying to call anybody out here or suggest that these people haven't contributed to society in some meaningful way.  I just think it's dangerous when we revere people to the extent that we're willing to create some transparent, irrelevant, unjustified association with them. Which is exactly what these colleges do by heaving degrees upon these celebrities, such as:

I'm Not A Doctor, But I Play One...

So here we go, back to my theory on how you can tell more about a person from observing the way they drive for a few minutes on the NJ Turnpike than through years of shrink visits and psych tests that are more like game show contests than they are personality indicators.

Now I'm not a doctor, but I do play one on this blog. Kind of like the Lawn Doctor guy. We all know he's not a 'doctor' but I bet he can take one look at my backyard and know in an instant that I'm a grasshole when it comes to cultivating a rich, neighbor-ogling lawn. I might as well burn 'white trash' into my so-called grass with my knock-off fertilizer, Kmart spreader and low-budget oscillating sprinkler that never seems to oscillate enough. Unless oscillating means covering some of the desired area but not all of it, meaning you then have to jump into the middle of the oscillation like you're in a Double Dutch routine, angle the sprinkler ever so slightly to catch that one spot you just can't seem to hit, only to have the sprinkler tilt over from too much torque on the hose, igniting an oscillating, aquatic assault on your face. If that's the definition of oscillating then my sprinkler's working fine.

DMV - Dodging Misguided Vehicles

Okay, so before I get back into my NJ Turnpike Behavioral Analysis theory, I want to expand on this thing about the old guy from my last post.  Listen, I'm not trying to pick on seniors.  If I'm lucky enough to get there I hope to one day be the 85-year-old guy with a bumper full of frustrated tailgaters.  The problem is this - the 85-year-old guy has had his license for 68 years!  68 years - without ever having to retake his driving test!  Do we even know when the last time he drove was?  It could've been 67 years ago.  Do we even know if the old guy can see?  I wear contact lenses and I have to get an eye test every couple of years before I can get new contacts.  Yet nobody at the DMV cares if you're as blind as Sandra Bullock or Heidi Klum seem to be.  Hell, as long as he keeps up with the administrative stuff - renew his license and pay his insurance - the old guy can keep his license forever.

You Are How You Drive

In my premier blog post (look at me, one post in and I'm already a bloghole - who the hell calls it a 'premier'?)...anyway, in my first post, I mentioned that I was going to give my two cents on anything of interest.  I just wanted to leave it open-ended.  Truth be told, my initial blog idea was to write about how you could define someone's personality based on their driving habits, through a sort of daily commuter log.  I drive the hellish highways of New Jersey five days a week so trust me, I could write volumes on the head-scratching shit that goes on out on the asphalt  jungle. So, with the sequel to my first post (sequel?  again...bloghole), my NJ Turnpike Behavioral Analysis model will begin to take shape.

Blog, Blog, Blog - Why Am I Blogging?

In trying to craft my first blog post the thought occurred to me that I'm not sure why I'm blogging.  Why do I feel the need to express my thoughts to the masses.  Anyone that knows me, and the randomness and clear lack of direction that my thoughts have, would suggest that the last thing I should be doing is putting pen to paper, so to speak.  Not only that, I'm old-school when it comes to being politically correct, meaning I'm not.  I'm of the mindset that people take themselves, their politics, their religion, their ethnicity and so on way too seriously.  I have no problem calling a spade a spade - the interpretation of that one I'll leave up to you - as long as it's in jest.  Let's face it, we all need to laugh at ourselves more often. Hey, everyone else is laughing at me, why shouldn't I get to join in?  In fact, maybe that's the answer to the "why blog?" question - because everyone else is doing it!