Traffic Alert - You're Driving Me Crazy!

It's time to get back into my New Jersey Turnpike psychoanalysis theory which suggests I can lay out someone's  personality based solely on their driving habits. By the way, I use the Turnpike moniker simply because it's where I've spent a number of years developing my theory. Actually, if I spent the equivalent of 10 years on the Turnpike then I've biologically aged 20 years during those 10.  Trust me, it's a key mathematical component of the theory. Just like Einstein's e=mc2, except Albert let the cat out of the bag and lost all the royalty rights.  I'm hangin' on to this baby.  Let's just say it incorporates many more factors, such as:  the number of miles in your commute, anticipated levels of precipitation, a driver's height, weight and ethnicity, daily disposition of the toll collectors and so on....trust me it's very complicated.


Speaking of precipitation, that's where I'm going to direct my attention to for this post.  For no other reason than the fact that I'm still steaming from a two hour morning commute I had at the end of last week.  A ride that should be no more than an hour, except on this particular morning it was drizzling!  You got that?  It was drizzling!  As in not raining particularly hard.  A soft rain, just like the soft name it was given - a drizzle!

I watched as an endless sea of brake lights flickered off and on and that's when it hit me.  We need a special 'drizzle drivers' alert.  It can be incorporated right into the local radio station traffic report.  Or into the scroll of your favorite 'Good Morning and Wake Up America, It's the Today Show' show.  The fittingly unpleasant, but maybe under the censorship radar, name for this traffic warning would be 'The Jerk-Off Alert."  If it's drizzling out then The Jerk-Off Alert gets airtime.  It's an incredibly simple concept too - if you can't drive in the fuckin' drizzle then you're a jerk-off and you should stay off the fuckin' road and stay out of my way!  Let me repeat the concept - if a little drizzle causes you to put a death grip on the steering wheel like Rosie O'Donnell on a Snickers bar, then you're a jerk-off and you need to stay off the god damn road! For the love of E-Z Pass, you're killing me!
      
Can't you just hear Al Roker handing it over to the local weather guy: "That's what's happening around the country, find out if there's a Jerk-Off Alert happening in your neck of the woods."  I know one thing, if there was a Jerk-Off Alert I would've made it to work in under an hour that morning, because the roads would've been empty.  That's how many jerk-offs there were around me.  How about in your neck of the woods?