May 31, 2011

Not Cool - Really

Can someone please explain the bow tie to me. I've been trying to figure it out for years and it doesn't make any sense to me.  I mean it...years!  Granted, I don't think about it too often (thankfully), but every so often I'll see someone wearing one and think what the f*#k!?  Does this jagoff think he looks good in a bow tie?  In the name of all that's holy and fashionable (of which I'm neither), it's a bow tie!

Let me clarify something before I move on.  I'm not talking about tuxedo bow ties.  That's the only time you can wear a bow tie and get a bump up in style points.  That is, as long as it's standard issue and not one of those "look, I'm in the wedding party and I'm wearing a pink polka-dot bow tie that coordinates with the bridesmaids dresses" kind of bow tie.  Then you belong with the other bow tie-wearin' geeks that I'm calling out.  And I don't even care if the spineless groom or Bridezilla forced you into it - have some onions and stand up for your manhood.  First it's the bow tie and before you know it you're inviting Bridezilla to the bachelor party.  I actually went to a BP where the bride-to-be showed up.  Turns out she was invited by the groom.  If he was wearing a bow tie that night I would've strangled him with it.

So why do people do it then?  Take Tucker Carlson for example - he's not Brad Pitt but he's a decent looking guy (I can say that comfortably, knowing I don't wear bow ties intentionally).  For years this guy wore bow ties and my first thought when I saw him was usually not "uptight conservative that was born into money and never encountered a shovel or a minority up close".  My first thought would be, what is this jack-ass doing with a bow tie on?  Doesn't he know he looks like a Geek tragedy?  It used to tick me off to no end.

Through the ages there have been a whole bunch of other clown-wear supporters and one thing is for sure - fashions change, styles may come and go, but unless you're Pee Wee Herman or the Gingerbread Man, you shouldn't intentionally be wearing a bow tie.            

Apr 4, 2011

Drivel - You Can't Make This Up

You see what happens when you get distracted and you take your eyes off the road, in this case the blog....someone can get hurt. Like me! With my last post (Traffic Alert - You're Driving Me Crazy) I strayed from a slow introduction of my driving habits psychological theory and jumped right into scientific theories and treatments. I almost popped a blood vessel in my eye from the nervous twitching I got recalling the rainy commute that prompted that rant. No pun intended but I need to get back on track.

Mar 21, 2011

Traffic Alert - You're Driving Me Crazy!

It's time to get back into my New Jersey Turnpike psychoanalysis theory which suggests I can lay out someone's  personality based solely on their driving habits. By the way, I use the Turnpike moniker simply because it's where I've spent a number of years developing my theory. Actually, if I spent the equivalent of 10 years on the Turnpike then I've biologically aged 20 years during those 10.  Trust me, it's a key mathematical component of the theory. Just like Einstein's e=mc2, except Albert let the cat out of the bag and lost all the royalty rights.  I'm hangin' on to this baby.  Let's just say it incorporates many more factors, such as:  the number of miles in your commute, anticipated levels of precipitation, a driver's height, weight and ethnicity, daily disposition of the toll collectors and so me it's very complicated.

Mar 6, 2011

When Are We Going To Honor Charlie Sheen?

With this post I will begin from the end. The end of my last post that is.  Not the 'end' part where I talk about my proctologist, but the part when I promised I would list some of the notables who've received honorary degrees over the years.  Charlie Sheen isn't one of them but I would think he's next in line if past history is any indication. I'm not trying to call anybody out here or suggest that these people haven't contributed to society in some meaningful way.  I just think it's dangerous when we revere people to the extent that we're willing to create some transparent, irrelevant, unjustified association with them. Which is exactly what these colleges do by heaving degrees upon these celebrities, such as:

Feb 27, 2011

I'm Not A Doctor, But I Play One...

So here we go, back to my theory on how you can tell more about a person from observing the way they drive for a few minutes on the NJ Turnpike than through years of shrink visits and psych tests that are more like game show contests than they are personality indicators.

Now I'm not a doctor, but I do play one on this blog. Kind of like the Lawn Doctor guy. We all know he's not a 'doctor' but I bet he can take one look at my backyard and know in an instant that I'm a grasshole when it comes to cultivating a rich, neighbor-ogling lawn. I might as well burn 'white trash' into my so-called grass with my knock-off fertilizer, Kmart spreader and low-budget oscillating sprinkler that never seems to oscillate enough. Unless oscillating means covering some of the desired area but not all of it, meaning you then have to jump into the middle of the oscillation like you're in a Double Dutch routine, angle the sprinkler ever so slightly to catch that one spot you just can't seem to hit, only to have the sprinkler tilt over from too much torque on the hose, igniting an oscillating, aquatic assault on your face. If that's the definition of oscillating then my sprinkler's working fine.

Feb 21, 2011

DMV - Dodging Misguided Vehicles

Okay, so before I get back into my NJ Turnpike Behavioral Analysis theory, I want to expand on this thing about the old guy from my last post.  Listen, I'm not trying to pick on seniors.  If I'm lucky enough to get there I hope to one day be the 85-year-old guy with a bumper full of frustrated tailgaters.  The problem is this - the 85-year-old guy has had his license for 68 years!  68 years - without ever having to retake his driving test!  Do we even know when the last time he drove was?  It could've been 67 years ago.  Do we even know if the old guy can see?  I wear contact lenses and I have to get an eye test every couple of years before I can get new contacts.  Yet nobody at the DMV cares if you're as blind as Sandra Bullock or Heidi Klum seem to be.  Hell, as long as he keeps up with the administrative stuff - renew his license and pay his insurance - the old guy can keep his license forever.

Feb 20, 2011

You Are How You Drive

In my premier blog post (look at me, one post in and I'm already a bloghole - who the hell calls it a 'premier'?)...anyway, in my first post, I mentioned that I was going to give my two cents on anything of interest.  I just wanted to leave it open-ended.  Truth be told, my initial blog idea was to write about how you could define someone's personality based on their driving habits, through a sort of daily commuter log.  I drive the hellish highways of New Jersey five days a week so trust me, I could write volumes on the head-scratching shit that goes on out on the asphalt  jungle. So, with the sequel to my first post (sequel?  again...bloghole), my NJ Turnpike Behavioral Analysis model will begin to take shape.