I'm Not A Doctor, But I Play One...

So here we go, back to my theory on how you can tell more about a person from observing the way they drive for a few minutes on the NJ Turnpike than through years of shrink visits and psych tests that are more like game show contests than they are personality indicators.

Now I'm not a doctor, but I do play one on this blog. Kind of like the Lawn Doctor guy. We all know he's not a 'doctor' but I bet he can take one look at my backyard and know in an instant that I'm a grasshole when it comes to cultivating a rich, neighbor-ogling lawn. I might as well burn 'white trash' into my so-called grass with my knock-off fertilizer, Kmart spreader and low-budget oscillating sprinkler that never seems to oscillate enough. Unless oscillating means covering some of the desired area but not all of it, meaning you then have to jump into the middle of the oscillation like you're in a Double Dutch routine, angle the sprinkler ever so slightly to catch that one spot you just can't seem to hit, only to have the sprinkler tilt over from too much torque on the hose, igniting an oscillating, aquatic assault on your face. If that's the definition of oscillating then my sprinkler's working fine.


Back to the Lawn Doctor guy. He's probably spent more time with grubs and crabgrass then my proctologist has being up people's asses. Unless you include the accounts payable staff - then the proctology team wins. In other words, I trust the Lawn Doctor guy to glean as much info from looking deep into my backyard as I do my proctologist looking deep into my back door. You see where I'm going with this? You don't need four years of med school, a six-year residency, a piece of paper on the wall and 40 years of student loan payments to prove that you know of which you speak.

With that qualification I consider myself a doctor in the same way the Lawn Doctor guy does. The same way as the Computer Doctor, Dr. J, Dr. No and the countless celebrities who have taken liberties with the Dr. prefix based on their having received that oh-so-meaningful and richly deserved 'honorary' doctorate. Not to get sidetracked here, but aside from the kiss-ass brass of the school awarding the 'degree', and maybe those who follow NASCAR religiously, is anybody really impressed by the doctorate degree that the celebrity-du-jour received? Just to put it in perspective, my next post is going to include a list of honorary doctorate recipients that I think you'll find interesting, and very telling.

As for now, I think my proctologist is on the prowl, so I have to duck and cover, if you know what I mean.