When Are We Going To Honor Charlie Sheen?

With this post I will begin from the end. The end of my last post that is.  Not the 'end' part where I talk about my proctologist, but the part when I promised I would list some of the notables who've received honorary degrees over the years.  Charlie Sheen isn't one of them but I would think he's next in line if past history is any indication. I'm not trying to call anybody out here or suggest that these people haven't contributed to society in some meaningful way.  I just think it's dangerous when we revere people to the extent that we're willing to create some transparent, irrelevant, unjustified association with them. Which is exactly what these colleges do by heaving degrees upon these celebrities, such as:


Tim Allen - yeah, the Home Improvement guy.  Honorary degree from Western Michigan University.  I'm not sure if he earned that for the cocaine trafficking conviction, the drunk-driving plea or the social barrier-shattering movies he headlined:  Jungle 2 Jungle, The Shaggy Dog or any of the ninety-five Santa Claus epics.  Just to be fair, Home Improvement did have its moments and Buzz Lightyear turning Spanish in Toy Story 3 was hysterical - though I gotta believe Tim had a language double for that one.

Bob Barker - the host of The Price Is Right for two hundred years.  You're gonna have to stay with me on this one...Bob received an Honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters from his alma mater, Drury University.  I know what you're thinking because it's the same thing I was thinking when I read it - what the hell is a Doctorate of Humane Letters?  For half-a-second I was so intrigued that I started to look it up, until I came to my senses and realized that I don't give a rabid rat's ass.  It's stupid!  Just like that pretentious sign-off he used every day on The Price Is Right - "Have your pets spayed or neutered."  How about we get a handle on the mountain of social injustices affecting human beings before we move on to animal rights.  Besides, to this day I've yet to hear one animal speak out on how they're being mistreated.  No, I will not count Rosie O'Donnell, that would be unfair to the rest of the animal population.
A little footnote:  Coinciding with Bob's doctorate was his donation of a million dollars to establish the Bob Barker Endowment Fund for the Study of Animal Rights.  Not for nothing, but if I donated a million bucks to my alma mater they'd make me a doctor, dean and captain of the football team.
Two more things on King PETA.  First off, I think we should strip him of his doctorate just for passing The Price Is Right baton to Mr. Personality, Drew Carey.  And finally, could his last name really be Bark-er?  I think he's pulling our collective tail with that one.  You know something, I'd look it up but....well, you get it.
To be fair, like we were with Tim Allen, Bob was funny as hell mixing it up with Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore.

Bill Cosby - this is one of those cases where a person's recognition is actually justified.  The guy's a true television pioneer, he's made countless contributions (monetarily and otherwise) to civil rights organizations, had chart-topping albums, best-selling books, those 'yeah, they're over-the-top cutesy but they're still funny' Jell-O commercials and, let's not forget, he gave us the Fat Albert clan.  So get your raspy, ultra-bass black guy voice ready....Hey, hey, hey...the guy's done it all!
The problem is this - we throw out honorary degrees to this guy faster than Donald Trump throws out superlatives.  Eventually they lose their impact and, in Bill's case, dilute the impact of his contributions.  In 2003 alone he got 4 honorary doctorate degrees.  And if that wasn't enough, he even played a doctor on TV - Dr. Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show.  Uncle!

George Foreman - you know, the boxer, the boxing analyst, the Meineke guy, most recently the grill guy and and in case you weren't aware, the guy who named all of his sons George.  That's right, five sons (of 10 kids overall) and they're all named George....George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI.  A doctorate - that's rich

There are tons more, but I'm gonna rap it up with this next guy because I think it says it all...

Mike Tyson - yes, you read it right. The high-school dropout turned convicted rapist, who once upon a time had a promising boxing career before he found out that cannibalism is against the rules - he's got an honorary degree. And hey, Barker, if you're reading this someday...you know what the ear-chewing ex-con received his doctorate for?  You guessed it, a Doctorate in Humane Letters.  Now doesn't that make you proud.  Actually, as an animal lover, I think it's only fitting that you and Mike share the same honor.

And, based on this crowd, I think it's only fitting that we honor Charlie Sheen with an honorary degree in Winning.